Guiltlessness

I hadn’t realized this challenge would make me work that much on guilt. Well, if I stop and think about it, it seems pretty obvious, but I hadn’t foreseen it…

Yesterday, I work real hard on guiltlessness.

After taking time to get the soil brought directly to our place, I cleared 2/3 of it, and left the last third for Darling to clear. Exhausting work. Time consuming. In the middle of a workday. Darling was ok to do his part, no worries. But then a professional situation came up that made things a bit more complicated. He started bitching against the unpredicted soil-task that really didn’t fit well in his planning. I understood perfectly and could do nothing but bite my lip to refrain from offering to finish clearing the soil myself. But a voice was whispering in my ear: if you do that, you know what it means? Stick to your commitment to enoughness. Dive into it: you did enough, more than your part. Your work is no less important than his.

I stood still and didn’t offer myself as the savior, which would have been at the cost of denying my own needs. When Darling got home, I shared my uncomfortable inner struggle, and as expected he was surprised. Of course I had done more than my share and it was normal to let him do his! Looks so easy from a man’s view. Or is it just me?

A bit later, as Darling was finishing the clearing up outside, when starting cooking would have been timely, I decided to sit down and read for a while. Again, a fierce battle against guilt raged inside me. I should prepare dinner. Yes, but on Thursdays you don’t even eat dinner, as you go and give your yoga class at 8.30. That’s why Darling does the cooking on those nights. Yes but I’m on the couch reading and Darling is out work in the garden. Well, he’ll have time after dinner to relax, while you’ll be working, so take half an hour of now, that’s fine. Didn’t you do enough today? Argh… Yes, I did!

So I spent 30 minutes reading and enjoying that feeling of enoughness. I had won my second battle against guilt in one day. How tiring. And how exhilarating! I can do it!

It’s wonderful to experiment around enoughness. I can see how this challenge will drive me through different inner landscapes, across being enough, doing enough and having enough, and probably sometimes a mix of all these…

Today is peaceful. Not in my agenda, but in my heart. Now I’ll get going so as not to push my luck too hard and slip into believing I don’t have enough time…

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